I dropped by Sally Beauty outlet last week to buy hair products?—a woman can never have enough sweet-smelling glop with which to shampoo/condition/moisturize/curl her locks. Plus, I had a coupon. Isn’t every product better when you get it at a reduced price? That also takes the sting out of realizing you don’t care for the scent or the texture of it while your standing in the shower trying to scrub the last traces out of your hair. But I digress.
As I was standing waiting to check out my purchases, I spied a large box that made me shake my head and wonder, WTH?
Forget the Valentine’s Day display—‘a great gift for a guy’. I’ve got just the thing for you.
A ‘full body hair trimmer’. Good grief. How hairy would a man have to be to need to trim so much of his thatch? And how long would that grooming session take?
I began envisioning Hairy Dude locking the bathroom door, lighting half a dozen scented candles then standing in the tub while he buzzed his underarms, legs, chest and pubes. Getting the pelt from his back might be a challenge. I’m not sure that’s something you’d ask a recent acquaintance to do, that’s for sure.
But for the thrifty or time-challenged, a series of appointments at a laser hair removal parlour might not be in the cards.
Let me preface what follows by reminding you that I’m a writer, and a naturally curious person. A review of my search history will pop up ‘sexual deviance in cyber-stalkers’ (for my novel, The Fifth Man), ‘surviving being pushed onto subway tracks’ and ‘plane crashes in the Andes frontier’ (ditto) along with the more benign ‘archaeological artifacts from the Atacama desert’ and recipes for low-carb desserts.
I did a search for ‘bears+sex’, because I know that ‘bear’ is a term for a hairy gay man (or a gay hairy man). Two articles that had nothing to do with people, ranked high: ‘These Bears Are Having Lots Of Oral Sex, And Scientists Think They Know Why’ (HuffPost Science) and ‘Brown Bears Caught Performing Oral Sex’ (LiveScience). Excuse me? Yup, Polish scientists observed (peeped and filmed) 28 instances of male bear-on-bear action over a period of 116 hours.
Yes, of course I read the articles. Brown Bear BJs. Who knew? Think of the skill and delicacy—I mean, have you had a gander at a set of bear teeth lately? Those things are huge. Something else?—?how come PETA isn’t banging a drum somewhere so that sexually active ursus arctos can do each other in private?
Then my mind wandered to Big Foot (has anyone found him/her yet, for real? When I was in high school in the sixties, newspapers reported regular sightings, usually in western Canada or the U.S. There’s been nothing lately. With technological advancements in image manipulation and movies shot on iPhones, I’m shocked no one has tried to gin-up a documentary.
Perhaps with the demise of supermarket rags that headlined two-headed calves, aliens, Elvis sightings and forgotten movie star resurrections, there’s no one reputable left to report on the world of the weird and wonderful.
Sort of sad, actually. Sasquatch or Sasquatchette could have a boffo movie career, book deals and probably a music video. Opportunity lost.