According to Zoomer magazine’s May edition:

“A report released in 2012 had bad news for boomers and beyond. Sexually transmitted infection rates among 50-90 year olds in Canada, the U.S. and U.K. had doubled over the previous decade…Time to talk precaution.”

Uh, why has it taken them five years to proclaim this urgent news? Did they forget or is that delay the impact of erotic fulfillment on their attention spans?

Good grief, if an 80 or 90-year-old is having enough unprotected itch-scratching sex to contract another type of itch requiring treatment with antibiotic salve, well I say – go for it.

Instead of a package of antacids, grandma and grandpa could be packing candy-flavoured prophylactics, sexy books, warming liquids and gels in their multitude of pockets. You’ll never look at a geezer’s plaid shirt or grandma’s kitten-themed hoodie the same way again.

Usually the articles about how oldsters, especially in care facilities, are over-medicated, isolated and under-stimulated. Let them have their fun. Love doesn’t have an age-limit for heaven’s sake. Instead of acrobatics, just take it slowly. Isn’t that a fundamental principle of tantra?

Put vending machines for condoms and personal lubricant in all of the craft rooms. Throw in some alcohol and energy drinks. Turn down the lights and turn up the crooner music. You want precautions? Hook them up to heart rate monitors then leave the room!

Remember stories of “key parties” in the 60s and 70s? Let’s turn that around and give the seniors keys to their own rooms so they can lock the doors and do their thing.

For the hand-wringers out there, you could always equip the party-partners with an emergency buzzer. Except that if they got too frisky, there’d be a lot of false alarms.

Taking Fluffy for a walk to the park takes on a whole new meaning when the silver-hairs start hooking up on the playground.

They’d get the last laugh – the onlookers would like to believe they’re discussing laxatives and meal replacements, when in fact he’s just asked her if she’s naked under that parka and she wanted to know if he’s taken his little blue pill. Maybe they’re trying to figure out if orthotics will fit into high heels or whether that swing will hold both of them.

And I see huge commercial opportunities – support pasties, compression fishnets, six-pack undershirts, ‘fooler’ briefs equipped with a realistic bulge.

Hell’s bells. We built the world. Now it’s our time to play.

Can’t you see the headlines? “Cops bust Geritol and gin binges behind the shed at lawn bowling.” Go grandma! Go grandpa! Boomers rock.