scaryowlistock_generic_174776Every couple of weeks, I log on to an old email account and find that I have attracted a slew of new friends. Incredibly, they all have my best interests at heart. heartwarming, isn’t it? Today, it was Rene, Lillian, Caitlan, Jamal and Tad who offered great! prices on Viagra, weekend Viagra and, in cases of intractable flaccidity, super Viagra.

Marjorie, Amber-Jane and Wade want me to boost my car’s mileage with some magic elixir recently discovered in the rain forests of the Amazon. Microsoft! implores me a couple of times a day to install this patch immediately. I suppose that is to supplement the telephone calls from ‘Jeff’, ‘Edward’ and “Mary’ telling me in worried tones that ‘your Windows are infected’. (I know who you really are, Pradip, Raj and Aishwarya. When I ask were you are calling from, you say Toe-ron-toe, On-Tar-i-oh) and the weather report is always ‘loovely summer’.) Come on – if you want to be taken seriously, you have to say Ta-ran-tah. But hey, if I’m in the mood, I’ll play with your mind and go on about how I want someone to come out and give me a quote for a new front door and a casement window for the garage. Or I’ll say that I have an Apple computer – no Microsoft Windows, spank you very much. One time, I said I had to find my credit card. I put the phone down by the radio and left to finish my glass of white wine. When I returned, the poor bugger who’d called was still on the line. I wonder what he thought of Stuart Maclean?

I wish I could put them in touch with one another, since they seem so eager to be helpful. They could start a multi-disciplinary product support group and garner high ratings on Google. Or maybe I could slap those Viagra patches on my car and keep the tires harder so they can actually go farther on a tank of gas, sans additives made from recycled restaurant grease.

No, wait! Fernando just wrote with an amazing new discovery to increase my libido, ensure that I lose 20 pounds fast without dieting and reduce the signs of aging. What, no trapeze? You have to admit it’s an interesting combination though.