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Why do all of those stick-thin young women on talk shows dare to talk about how mid-life is a great time for women? What do they know about drying complexions, sagging body parts and trying to remember if you put on your good underwear before venturing out the door? Hell, they have clothes and hair stylists, cosmetologists and massage therapists, plus they don’t have to buy/wash/iron/fold their own clothes, shoes or accessories. Many of them augment their hair with extensions and live on lettuce and fumes from fancy eateries. I certainly don’t envy them. Mostly, I find them annoying. Here’s a take on what real life is like.

Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.

In mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wing spans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.

Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and you can see your rear without turning around.

Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and you realize that this is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless.

Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, ‘Listen, honey, even the Roman empire fell and those will too..’

Mid-life brings wisdom to know that life throws us curves and we’re sitting on our biggest ones.

Mid-life is when you look at your know-it-all, cell phone carrying teenager and think, ‘For this I have stretch marks?’

In mid-life your memory starts to go. In fact the only thing we can retain is water.

Mid-life means that your Body By Jake now includes Legs By Rand McNally–more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of Wisconsin.

Mid-life means that you become more reflective. You start pondering the ‘big’ questions. What is life? Why am I here? How much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it’s no longer a healthy choice?

But mid-life also brings with it an appreciation for what is important. We realize that breasts sag, hips expand, and chins double, but our loved ones make the journey worthwhile. Would any of you trade the knowledge that you have now, for the body you had way back when? Maybe our bodies simply have to expand to hold all the wisdom and love we’ve acquired. That’s my philosophy and I’m sticking to it!

(Thanks for the chuckles, Myrna)

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