2014-05-24 08.34.42You might not believe it, but I got the inspiration for my decision this morning as I was making breakfast. I was leaning on the counter in the kitchen, staring at my breakfast sizzling in the pan on the stove, when it hit me that this is the kind of meal that keeps me fat. I enjoy the rituals of cooking, the sensory stroke of herbs and spices, the presentation of food on plate. That’s my downfall – getting caught up in the culinary experience.

The configuration of crispy maple bacon (fat, fat, fat), the over-easy egg with that yellow kosher-salted orb peeking out from the pepper-specked white (looking like a ballerina skirt to me). The yolk also rises (excuse me, Ernest Hemingway). I shook the pan and the yolk wobbled – perfectly cooked. The snotty bits were firmed up but the lovely (high cholesterol) innards were still juicy and would coat my buttered, freshly toasted olive sourdough bread with golden goodness.

A vision! Not of Jesus in my toast or lottery numbers floating in the pulp in my orange juice. If I’m to succeed, I have to learn to enjoy more judiciously. Yes I can. I will. Stop feeling like I’m missing something. What I’m missing is sight of my long-term goal.

Stack of chocolate cakes covered with chocolate sauce.You see, I’m a sensualist. Taste, textures, visuals, sounds, the eroticism of a spectrum of feelings can sweep me away. That’s my downfall but also my inspiration for writing. I enjoy almost everything.The feel of words on my tongue. Wallowing in a mouthful of good chocolate or the smooth warm pressure of lips on lips, fingers on flesh. I love the feel of it; I love to think about it.

Look at that photo on the left. I could whip up an erotic short story about that in 15 minutes – the buxom curve of fresh-baked brownies, the thick sweet rivulets of molten ooze, the dark, warm puddle glistening like a… See?

I am NOT a quitter. I’m getting back on my mindfulness wagon. I realize that I have to look at food as fuel and not pleasure. Reduce my preoccupation with it. Control the pleasure centre of my brain (for a while). Stop filling my Evernote with recipes for tasty treats made with butter or cream or marble-streaked meat. Reduce the amount of sugar (bye, bye cookies and cakes for a while) and fat. Move more, dammit. Drink more water. Wine on weekends and not whole bottles, either. Maybe one summer cocktail every couple of weeks as a reward for meeting a weight loss goal.

Can I achieve my goals? Hell yes. I’ve done more difficult things in my life.  Managing what goes into my mouth should be (not) a piece of cake.