Crisis. Crisis!!! I weighed myself yesterday morning and almost fell off the scale. I figured that I’d maintained or perhaps put on a bit of flab. After all, we’ve had several family events during the last week – holiday BBQ, dinners out, cocktails, full meals with wine, limited exercise (talking does not burn many calories). But no….I’m up three pounds.

avocadoThat’s devastating because every pound has been so hard to lose. I’ve given up foods that I enjoy and I hate deprivation. No wine with dinner, no baked goods, limited salty snacks. Weighing, thinking about food, cooking low-fat, watching portion sizes. I chafe at the discipline and obviously, that chafing has not chafed enough fat off my butt. Last night, at my pattern drafting class, we had to try on and alter our draft bodice samples. I stood there with five women pining and shaping a correct fit. I looked at my body – actually stared at what I saw in that tall slim mirror hanging on the back of the classroom wall and said to myself, Lady, you’ve turned into a wide load. I still have a shape, but instead of the hourglass, I think my ‘stuff’ is sinking southwards. I’m beginning to feel more like an avocado (with better skin). I’m not depressed, but it’s damned depressing, let me tell you.

BEAART_TH_C_^_THURSDAYEven worse, we’re almost at the halfway point of the year and instead of being halfway to my goal, I’ve slid to being only one-quarter towards it. Usually when I’ve reached this point when I’ve been dieting in the past, I’ve said WTF and given up. I mean, they say that when I get to be really old, I’ll get thinner. I can’t count on that because no matter what my emotional state (happy, sad, grieving, angry, horny, tired) I’ve always been a hungry gal. How much do I care about looking all blocky and having to wear flowy tops and sew ever larger garments as the years go by and I get less motivated? Crap, I don’t want to look like Maude in her middle years. I don’t. I love clothes – that’s why I sew, so that I can have closets full of things I like. Damn it. This is so hard.

Do I stop and go back to my old habits or do I get back my focus and continue on this mindfulness journey? Arrrrgggggh. Will I suck out and fail or will I get to my goal? Get really serious. Get back on track? I’m not sure yet. I actually don’t mind the way I am. Hub loves me the way I am. My physician doesn’t bat an eye when he weighs me every year. Okay. What am I trying to prove? Be? What do I really want?

Don’t have the answers yet. I’m going out to use my MM55 super edge trimmer and do the lawns and the garden beds. Perhaps the noise and vibration will inspire me into a decision.