Last week, the view from my car wind-shield was wildly different from the norm. Living in the country, driving is usually a bucolic activity punctuated by road construction, the occasional lumpy big-wheeled piece of farm equipment, wiry cyclists trying to out-pedal traffic and red-tailed hawks floating on the updrafts over farmers’ fields.
At the corner of Davis Drive and Woodbine Avenue in Newmarket, I cruised to a stop behind one of those behemoth trucks, all shiny and black, with huge mud flaps, giant wheels and nary a speck of dirt anywhere. Hanging from the baseball-sized trailer hitch were an impressive pair of … men’s nether parts…cojones….yup, a veiny sac of knock-off family jewels in day-glow plastic blue, a colour not found in nature. So what did that tell me? That the driver had lots of cash to fill up that fuel-sucking tank, that he takes better care of his vehicle than probably anything else he owns, and that he may have ‘size’ or ‘performance’ issues.
As he pulled out with a deep-throated rumble and a spume of grey exhaust, all I could think of was, I’m glad the grandchildren aren’t with me because I wouldn’t be able to keep a straight face explaining why a grown man would want to display a ginormous dangling scrotum on the back of his ‘gimme respect’ pimped-out truck.
Being a curious person I, of course, Googled ‘blue trailer hitch accessories’ as soon as I got home. I hit the image button and discovered they are actually called ‘blue ball truck nuts’. They are also marketed in red, metallic green, gold and silver and flesh tones. Dangly bits on a truck. Hmm. Great date-bait. I’m sure there are some that light up or glow in the dark. One version sports a big red lipstick kiss on the lower-hanging side.
Yeah, right. Extreme wishful thinking.